Divorces are never easy; the thought of splitting after having committed your life to someone whether it was for only two years or fifty plus years.
The thought of starting all over; sometimes with young kids totting along, and alone drives some nuts. The insecurity of needing to have someone constantly walking alongside you for life is what you envisioned, it’s what you live for.
Broken dreams you spent a lifetime, that includes before you were married, planning, have to be squashed or placed on the back burner.
- Dreams crushed; kids with mainly one parent, and the idea of another person will eventually be part of your former spouse’s life and raising your child in some form or fashion repulses you.
- Making new friends, because you no longer want to be part of your ex’s friends’ circle, sometimes you don’t even want to be his or her friend because of the accumulated bitterness towards each other.
- You may also think of how others will view you since most give their family and friends different versions and stories of your life with them, some may be fabricated lies yet convincing, so you’ll feel strange being around his or her friends and family…
- So much bitterness occurs that the man/woman you once loved and vowed with, becomes the worst ‘dog’ there is, and she becomes the ‘b@#tchiest b#@tch’ you can encounter…the constant yapping and bringing down of each other…the constant battle; psychological and emotional, and sometimes financial entanglement yet most battles wear you down emotionally that it embitters you.
- So many years of memories you hang on to; some broken, and some that seem unforgiving, some you bore and griped all these years yet stayed for unforgiven reasons; kids, too much to lose, too much years invested, your kids’ stability, your come back; ability to stand on your own and on and on while you become more embittered.
Finally you have made up your mind to call that ‘game’ quits; the constant battle for supremacy or sometimes for nothing but to just hear your voice…to speak between the constant noises in that embattled home.
Sometimes there is no fight at all, verbally or physical and suddenly you decide you had enough and you no longer want to be in that marriage anymore, not sudden but it may appear so to the unsuspecting party, because marriages don’t end suddenly, there are many signals; those red and amber lights that may have been blinking all throughout the marriage that you both ignored or maybe someone else adds lustre to your life, and it may be just lust too:) We are unpredictable creatures, so anything is possible, and you find another reason to jump off your unhappy train but you need not ride the pity train.
When I was going through my divorce I was never sad for one moment, though years of my life was invested in it, and don’t get me wrong, it was not like I didn’t love my husband, we had a very ‘communicative’ relationship, one in which we communicated and conversed about anything; one of the best you’ll want in a relationship that today I still can talk with him and probably walk away comfortable without us both arguing whether who’s right or wrong but still that wasn’t enough to save it. It was not an embattled divorce, it was an amicable one, one in which I came out unscathed without any bitter feelings and vindictive scheming; those wasted energies that most divorces run into, and people put their effort into.
When it came to an end, it was a sigh of relief for both of us, no drama. Why the drama? Love people and set them free, no one belongs to anyone, we are and came to each other lives to enhance and improve each other’s lives, when it doesn’t work out, ease out safely with a smile.
You need not be dramatic. Forget about the promises, promises can and will be broken because you are not in control of your destiny; some things will happen and you may encounter that you did not expect, and you may have to make a detour in your life.
We never made each other life miserable from thereon, all I cared about was his maintenance financially and continued participation in our child’s life, and in the back of my mind I hoped that he found a woman of good character in case my son visits.
Part of these vows in marriage should be ‘I love you but it’s possible that should some things come up in my life at a later time and have to part, don’t ever assume your importance and enfolding in my life was slight but I will always love you unconditionally though we will never be together again……etc, etc:))..so that we don’t hold each other to ransom…and so life goes on with a smile.
Yes, we dwell on hurts and pains and ‘whys’, and ‘I’m sorry I met you’, ‘you wasted my life, time, money, and I bore you tons of children yet you left me’….then we start living in self-pity and wait for ‘Ms/Mr do it right’ to unleash our hurts/pains/garbage/luggage later on down because we have now conditioned our hearts to the ‘all men are dogs, and women are cats or b*#tches’ logo; gold-diggers with fork and spade in hand waiting even for their burial..
To deal with the stresses of your divorce your first reaction/reflex sometimes is to be comforted in the arms of another, a vague mistake some make and regret as it’s done to empathize with your feelings and sometimes it’s nothing more than sex, and the party involved gets hurt.
Please don’t stifle your pains if you are not coping well with it, open up to a confidant, someone you trust, never the opposite sex, you may just be led into temptation, but someone who can subtly guide you or sometimes yank you out of your grief and self-pity and those ‘ifism’ that trails in your mind.
I think I should write a book on how to have an amicable divorce from a embattled relationship and come out feeling safe, sane and free.
The ones who have difficult and terrible divorces are the hard-hearted ones, the ‘out-to-bring-you-down-take-you-for-all types’; (listen to my podcast on that) those who wish to not see the other party free or move on successfully, we make our lives hard by controlling; the need to possess, and manipulate others and then it becomes an ongoing battle with the joyful smiles of the lawyers; the only winners.
I love you enough to walk away if everytime we get a chance, we quarrel, nag, verbally abuse, talk down each other or whatever. I must remain sane and drama-free for myself; there lots of drama on television, if I need one I can easily switch on the television, yet I am not a drama fan.
Healing will take time; the desire to feel whole again since you believed that your partner completed you, they never did, they complimented you and now you must face life on your own, singularly but with a better feel and experience of life, of partnership depending on how you choose to absorb and swallow it but most of us know that something is wrong in the marriage that sometimes can be fixed, not by counsellors only, but by our willingness to make it work, whether whose right or wrong but we remain stubborn and there is no winner in the end…
Give yourself time to breathe, and be patient with yourself, walk and talk yourself through it, that you will be alright, and it’s not the end of the world for you despite the slow down and setback; one of your greatest setback; starting all over alone without familiarity around and with you but don’t go too long mourning over it.
Do things that will distract you because life goes on, and maybe that other person may have moved on. Cry if you need to cry and release whatever pains, nothing is wrong with that. It’s okay for men to cry, and I beg you men to release your pain because you will carry your hurts to another relationship and same of women; you carry your hurts and pain too long, (the difference is that most men forget hurts as soon as they see a beautiful woman who hypnotizes them) and though they vow never to be married again ..until….cupid strikes again..
There’s surely life after divorce, even if it was messy….you can move on and find yourself, in all the after effects…the ability to be and feel whole again without him/her because you were always whole…with or without them.
I am all for beautiful and wholesome relationships, some call it marriage but when you feel you get to the point of contemplating murder or suicide in it…move on and never feel guilty or you were not worthy; you tried but not every marriage will work based on our selfish expectations and demands on it, and on others even on ourselves….all that glitters is not gold nor diamond. When you love unconditionally, you never hurt because you don’t become possessive with your love for someone but will send them away from you with love and set them free to be……and to love again.
Will continue in another note, and in chunk size bits….
Donique C. Perez Copyrighted 2011/08/29 All rights reserved
